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~~thoughts of bodies, babies, and men~~ Sunday, Jun. 01, 2003 03:00 I was reading another girl's journal here on diaryland. I've read it since she started it. I found it one day. Anyways......today she was talking about purging and so on. Which I was aware of from the beginning that she has eating disorders. I also just got done reading stick figure, a book about a 11 year old girl with anorexia. So today I've been sitting here thinking to myself......I feel slightly sad about their disorders. But not that much. I feel bad cause I know it's bad and sick and they could die from it and it kinda makes me want to help them. but then I think.....am I thinking that way cause society frowns down on it (cause in reality it can kill you and make you very weak and sick) cause honestly I want to meet these girls and pat them on their back. Does that sound sick???? Part of me thinks so. But honestly. I hate myself because I don't have the will power, the dedication, the stubborness, the drive....I just don't want it bad enough I guess. I mean yeah I think I'm a lil fat and overweight. Hell my "target" weight is to lose at least 50 lbs.....and no kids even then would I be underweight :P At least not in my opinion. Anyways. It's just makes me so mad at myself....that even though I wouldn't want to do it cause it's not healthy....It justs pisses me off that I can't do that....that I don't want it bad enough. That I just sit in the mirror and think yeah I'm fat or look through magazines and say i wish I looked like that. however. I don't want it that bad enough or I would look like that.....or I would be happy with the way that I look. It's really funny cause I want to look at it like I'm sick to think like that. I shouldn't want to wish to be anorexic ( I don't exactly wish....I just wish I had half that willpower) then again part of me doesn't think that their is anything wrong with thinking like that. OK that's all for that part.... Lil lighter part. My son accidently turned on the vaccum today. He's a lil scared of it to begin with. So when he hit the button he went running/crawling across the room. He looked at me bewildered. And stayed on that side of the room. I told him to go turn it off and he shook his head no. ( he's 1 he doesn't yet know what shaking your head means) so that made me laugh even harder. His grandma gets up and shuts it off. As soon as she walks away he walks back over to the vaccum trying to turn it back on but couldn't figure it out and started to get quite mad....the whole thing was quite amusing and he couldn't handle it anymore so he walked over to me climbed in my lap. laid down and took his bottle. He just looked so frustrated....the same look that most adults have before they say " I need a ciggerate" Another subject I want to write down. I was on the phone with a guy today. He likes me....he thinks he loves me though he had never met me in person. Anyways. He did a few messed up things awhile back and it's hard for me to forgive and trust. So I give him a hard time every time I talk to him. Which got me thinking today. I still love Evan....also I know what I want in a relationship and I don't bend that one tiny bit. So when they screw up I tend to not let it go. I mean to me they are kinda important but to be honest....if it was like Evan or something. I would have been over it pretty quickly. So I've been going through this faze where I just hate the world and everyone in it and dont' care about dating and everything right??? Well I think that I really really really just want to be single cause I don't have Evan or the one other guy that I like......So i give everyone a hard time....to either weed them out if they dont' truly like me.....you know if they really like me alot they stick around and try to work on things with me. Or to get them trained to how I want them to be. Honestly I know that sounds messed up. I just can't explain it. But to be honest, I know that real love in my opinion....jsut happens....you can't control how you love or when. I'm trying to mold these guys that I kinda like into what I want. And I know it's not fair. I should like them for them. Grr....I dunno this is just the beginning of my sorting out...there may be a sequel to this...I'm not sure. Forget the Past ~*~ Hope for the Future Link me! <a href="http://sailorschica.diaryland.com"><IMG SRC= "http://sailorschica.diaryland.com/images/sailorschica.gif"></a> xx xx