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How many chance's does God Give you? Friday, Jan. 15, 2010 03:43 How many chance's do you think God gives you in your lifetime? I mean you always hear of the phrase, third times the charm? I don't know. I think he keeps giving me more and more chances, and I'm not sure why. I know I'm a good person, and I know I need to change. And I'm working on becoming that changed person. Let's see, for starters. Tonight, it started, because today I didn't witness the accident, but I came very close to it being me, by seconds, I imagine. I keep playing it over and over and over in my head. You always have close calls, what is it about this one that is getting to me so much? I don't know. For some reason, I have a headache tonight, too much monster I think. I couldn't fall asleep (what else is new?) Plus the dogs were fighting and I knew how much Andres needs his sleep. So I moved to the couch, knowing the chihuahuas would follow. I lay there, not five minutes until I here, a crash, which I've been hearing off and on throughout the whole day. Ice melting and falling off the roof. Well, the dogs went crazy, cause yeah it sounded like someone was outside. And for some reason I get paranoid and check the back door, which was unlocked, but it has been for a couple days, but it bothered the hell outta me, cause it wasn't only unlocked, it was opened, cracked (wind pressure?). I shut it, and locked it. And told Andres. Then laid back on the couch, but for some reason, I just feel so paranoid. Like someone was out to get me, even for just a minute. Even though I knew that there was no one there. (thank god for my dogs which bark at the slightest sound- or I might have really freaked out at that moment) but then I don't know what I thought about for the next few minutes, but all of a sudden, I remember this friend of mine, who was killed, her throat slit, and then caught on fire. She was a prostitute and rumor was, she stole 5K from this guy, and he didn't let her get away from it, but I could picture her so clearly. I just kept replaying her, seeing her, the last time I saw her, what she said, how she acted, how I remember her. Sweet, gentle, kind. Then I thought to myself, that could have been me! Shit, if given the opportunity I probably would have stolen that 5K too. And then I start thinking over and over and over. I had a gun pulled on me, new year's day. Been raped by two guys a few days later, and about six months before, a guy pulled a knife out on me, but luckily I was fast enough to get away. How many chance's do I get? What if I had been smaller? or louder? or fought harder? Or couldn't fight enough? Would I be here today? And then with today's car accident. I think about how lucky I was to walk away from mine almost a year ago. about- march 4 of last year. 3/4 I remember cause I had one again on 4/5 and didn't drive on 5/6 (maybe superstitious) I totalled that car, but walked away with just bruises. The cops and ambulance and doctors said its because I came to right before impact, and knew I was going to hit, but stayed relaxed cause I knew I couldn't do anything about it. ( I was thinking to myself- well I'm going to hit it, fuck it, hit it.) the guardrails that is, I flipped, I spun, but I survived. I remembered that day so greatly today, when I saw her freaked out, scared, angry, sad, everything I was filling that day. I stayed with her, to be her guardian angel, like the one who helped me that day. And luckily, cause I'm the only one who noticed he pulled off in another car which came to pick him up, and got the liscense plate number. If I weren't there, they might not have that info. Who knows, maybe I wasn't needed. But I'd like to think that I helped in some way. But anyways, I guess I just talked myself down. But it just all got me thinking. When will be my last chance? And the way I'm living my life? Is this what I want people to remember me by? I need to accomplish something, I need to be proud of who I am, and I want others to be proud to be my family or friend, or to have known me. I need to get off my ass and start doing something good with my life, I mean really good. 10 years after high school? And still no degree? I could have been a doctor! Thats it, for real, if anything TODAY i need to make a step to get back into college. THIS FALL! Online search or something, stop wasting all that damn time playing games when there are lives to save! Mine included. Forget the Past ~*~ Hope for the Future Link me! <a href="http://sailorschica.diaryland.com"><IMG SRC= "http://sailorschica.diaryland.com/images/sailorschica.gif"></a> xx xx