now i'm bound by the life you left behind your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams your voice it chased away all the sanity in me Navigation � Current � Archives � WISHLIST � DiaryRings � Profile � Notes � Click me! � Guestbook Contact Me �Email me: StarrLena � YahooScreename: Ange1starr � Clothes: Hot Topic � Lip Service �Buried Alive �Reads: Gothic Beauty � Naked Goth Girls: Spooky Girls � Suicide Girls � Thanks To � Bitch&MoanDesigns � Hosted By Diaryland Extras Mood: Tunes: Keyboards Clicking Wearing:Black Capris and Grey shirt.

Lost Emotions Monday, Aug. 04, 2003 16:05 I'm at school....whooohoo Came a lil early cause I needed a break from the whole home atmosphere. I had a good weekend though. It was relaxing and stressful at the same time. I didn't have to do anything for school that needed my immediate attention, so I just read up a lil bit on my argumentive essay on surragate motherhood. Nicholas was really great all weekend long. I had Astraea both on Friday and Saturday, Friday spent at my apartment relaxing. Saturday at home with house guests where I just felt outta place and couldn't even go into my own room cause Evan's uncle was in there sleeping which was quite annoying. I have a test in Math today and one in Psych tomorrow and papers due today. The papers were actually due on Weds but the teacher left sick. I just had to re-edit them and print em off. I'm pretty satisfied with them. Kim gets out of the hospital on Thursday. I didn't go there this past weekend but I saw her last weekend and she was doing great. Hell of a lot better then when I last seen her. Her fucking dumbass boyfriend tried to pull some "I almost died so now I don't think i want to be with you shit." I heard of that and it pissed me off royally. He wanted to party and all that shit. I'm like hello....if you were so serious about thinking, I doubt you would be sitting there thinking. Oh i need to party more. You should be sitting there thinking of shit that you need to do to make your life better. And what about what the fuck she's been through?? I mean she just had a baby and she almost fucking died. He didn't even tell her in person. He is staying two rooms away from her and he calls her on the fucking phone? I didn't like the guy much to begin with and he certainly isn't earning any points with me now. But appartently the next day he told her it was just a bad mood. Bad mood my ass. If he does anything to hurt her I will literally fucking kill him and rip his heart out and ask him how the fuck that feels. On another subject. I didn't get into it before. I'm not sure....not ready to talk about it or I didn't think that it was important. But I had a miscarriage a few weekends ago. It was Evan's. I bled like crazy and had the worst fucking cramps I ever had in my whole freaking life. Made me want to cry. I kinda felt sad but knew it was better off cause I dont' want another kid right now and certainly not under the circumstances of my relationship with Evan. But I mean it's a loss. I had a baby in there and just lost it. I know that I dont' want to be pregnant but it just made me sad that last few days. I finally told Evan a few days ago. Hadn't talked to him in over a month and the last thing I said to him was fuck off. He was pissy at first and I told him to stop being so damn angry all the time and he actually got all nice. I told him he's just like I'm sorry. I asked why is he sorry and there was no reason to be and taht it was probably better off anyways, ya know. That was all I had to say and I told him so, and handed the phone to his mom. I was having this conversation with this guy that is crazy about me last night. I realized some things and i was just bawling my eyes out. I just have no emotion about anything. I have no clue why I am thinking how I am thinking. But he really wants to move here and be with me and make something of it and I jsut want to push him away and don't want him to love me and I don't know why. I dont know if it's him or me or me wanting to be alone or what. I cried and was so angry at Evan, at our breakup. I hated him at that moment, cause I realized that I just don't feel anything period. That made me sad, I just sat there thinking what the hell is wrong with me. I have this guy in front of me that is crazy about me, but I'm not feeling anything. It's like I know that I love him. I know it. But I don't feel it. Sometimes he says he loves me and I just am like ok. I feel like I want to be in a relationship, but then again I feel like I don't want to commit to anyone cause I dont' know what I want and I don't want to hurt anyone. Like I jsut can't give myself fully. I can't risk it or open up. I mean I believe that real love is all passionate and intense like it was with Evan. I don't believe it that slow shit. And yeah I know that I love him and all, but I don't know if that intense feeling isn't there cause I've known him forever or that I just don't feel that for him or if its just me. I jsut don't know. And I fucking hate not knowing and it's just tearing me apart. I keep pushing him away and sometimes I'm just mean to him and don't want him to touch me or anything and I just don't know why. I mean I think it's safe to have all these feelings. Protecting myself from being hurt and all. But on the other hand, I can't truly open up or be with anyone either. I don't know what I want. I just want everyone to stay away from me so i don't have to think about it or feel anything. Or hurt somebody in the long run, cause I think I'm ready for a relationship and want to be with someone, but then I change my mind. I hate this. So bad. Forget the Past ~*~ Hope for the Future Link me! <a href="http://sailorschica.diaryland.com"><IMG SRC= "http://sailorschica.diaryland.com/images/sailorschica.gif"></a> xx xx