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Thursday, Jun. 05, 2003 23:44 Evan....you are lucky. I just said so many things that you prolly shouldn't have heard....but my fucking journal linked up with somethign else and I lost the whole page. I got so much rage out I don't think there is anything left to say. FUCK that pisses me off. You piss me off. You frustrate me. You want to make me slam my head into the wall. You make me hate myself. You make me feel worthless. Sometimes I think you are worthless. You don't deserve my love or sympathy. You don't desever any of it. I sit sometimes wonder how you ever did. I sit and wonder how I could have been so wrong. Was I wrong? What are you really thinking??? You can't make up your mind. You want me.....you don't. I don't know if I even care anymore. I'm depressed I don't give a fuck about anyone anymore. It's a nice place here. It's about time I came to join you right??? Right?? You hurt me. You know that?? Do you even know how closely you hurt me???? The lies...the bullshit....the broken promises. I think I should have never been your girlfriend....cause you need help. You are an asshole. A selfish ignorant self absorbed immature asshole. But i love you. I can't believe I loved you like I loved you. I can't believe the sick passion that we loved each other. It makes me sick. All that love and shit??? it's disgusting. You may have helped me through depression...you may have made me change and become a better person....but also you know what you did???? You made me hate you. You made me hate love. You made me hate people. I hate you. I HATE YOU. Do you know why I hate you? Do you??? Do YOu even know??? I hate you for meeting me. I hate you for loving me. I hate you for all those sweet things that you said to me. I hate that they were the truth. I hate it. I hate that you made me the most beautiful person in the world in your eyes. Cause you know what?? I'm not worth it. I'm not good enough. I always knew that. I always knew that I was never good enough. All I wanted was for you to be happy. To make you smile. To see you suceed. To hold you when you were crying. To listen. To put a bandage on your pain and just make it all better. I just wanted it all better. I wanted you happy. God. I wanted you happy. But I wasn't good enough. You made me feel like everyone else in my life. I wasn't good enough. I couldn't make you happy. I couldn't make it all better. I just couldn't do it. And I kept trying and trying and trying and I just couldn't do it. i was never good enough. I'm still not good enough. I never cried over you you know??? I broke up with you and went to hang out with a friend and he asked....why are you crying?? There's no reason to cry. And ever since I never cried over you. I won't cry over you. I can't cry. If I even let myself think of how bad it really is without you. I think that I would just die. I would die. The only thing that keeps me going is to keep myself busy. To not think of it. To believe in fate and destiny. I do believe we are meant to be....we both believed that...you just got depressed and lost that. You lost it all. Why couldn't I be good enough....why couldn't I make it all go away?? Huh?? Why couldn't I??? I tried. DAMN IT I tried. I wasn't good enough. So to sit here and believe in fate works. I know you will be back...maybe in a month maybe in a year. Doesn't matter when....it'll be right. Maybe I'm wrong. But I know you love me. I know you care about me. I know it. And you know I know it. And I'm sorry. Im sorry that the last time that you told me you loved me I said I know instead of I love you too back. I'm sorry I really didn't mean to. You know I love you. You know I'm here for you. Even no matter how much it hurts. I just want you to be happy. I will do anything to see you happy. You are my best friend. I love you. I love you so much. It's ok. I love you. I wish you were happy. I wish you weren't crazy. Cause I'm done. Sometimes I'm just done. I can't deal with it anymore. I can't deal with loving someone so much and wanting to help them so much but you can't. It's hopeless. Do you know what that feels like?? Do you?? It makes you just want to kill yourself sometiems. You can't make things better for the person you love. And it sucks. I hate hearing from you on the phone. That why I stopped calling. I couldn't stand it...you drive me crazy you change your mind too much. I didn't want to hear that things might work out only for you to sit there and say you don't care again. I couldn't stand how negative you were. I can't stand how depressed you are. It makes me want to cry. You are there and I'm here and I can't evenjust hug you andshow you I care without you trying to sit there and think I'm just trying to get back with you. I am just your damn friend right now. I sit and think yeah we are meant to be but do I even want your punk ass back??? Can I even deal with it??? Can I deal with this shit??? Cause I just got done writing about how if someone doesn't help me then I'm not going to be around them. Which is why I'm glad you went into the navy. I'm glad I wasn't going to be around you all the time. I'm glad you weren't going to follow me around like a lost puppy dog. Im' glad. I couldn't handleyour pain. I couldn't handle it. I couldn't handle not being able to make things better. I couldn't handle not being able to make you happy. I wanted to be your shining light. I wanted to be your everything. I wanted to be enough. I just wanted to be enough. But then I think. You weren't enough for me....so why is it fair for me to put high expectations on you???? I love you. I always have and I always will. And you will always know. But just leave me alone. it's not worth the pain anymore. It's not worth it. You are not worth it. P.S. More will be added to this or there will be a part two. It's disgusting how much they look alike. It's disgusting how cute they both are. It's disgusting that I loved him so much. Love is disgusting. Forget the Past ~*~ Hope for the Future Link me! <a href="http://sailorschica.diaryland.com"><IMG SRC= "http://sailorschica.diaryland.com/images/sailorschica.gif"></a> xx xx