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I'm just fuckered up. Sunday, Oct. 12, 2003 15:17 I just don't know what I want. Do you know what I want? Cause if so, please help me out here. I can't explain it. I am in love I think, right? Well then why do I keep trying to push Mike away. I mean I know I do this, but I am not consiously trying to do it. I don't know. I just hate myself. This is why I should stay away from men, ya know? I don't know. I know how I feel about him. But I just keep thinking about breaking up with him. It's stupid really. I guess I'm scared. I guess I jsut dont'want to make an effort or something. That basically in the long run, it won't be worth it. I mean I"m so torn. I really think something could happen between us, but then again, I don't know. He keeps disappointing me. I keep seeing things in him that show me his immaturities, things that I don't want to deal with. I feel all this love for him, even when I'm thinking about breaking up with him. I tried so hard to push him away and keep him away from me. But it wouldn't matter, he wouldn't leave me alone. I even told him I didn't love him. What the hell is wrong with me? That's so messed up of me. Here I am asking him not to hurt me, when everything I do to him must hurt him. I'm an evil bitch aren't I? I've been thinking about dumping him again. I mean you would think sooner or later he would get sick of this right? I mean I told him not to fall in love with me. I told him.......what's a girl supposed to do? I just don't know. I don't want to hurt him. And I want to be with him, but I want to break up with him and push him away and be mean to make him stay away, how fucked up is that? It's so messed up, it really is. I wish I knew why I was doing this. When I talked to my sister about it, she told me not to break up with him until I knew why I was feeling this way. But it's like I can't help it. Sometimes I can't deal with it, and I just want to dump him, then five minutes later I could just be happy and want to be with him forever. I'm feeling bi polar. HAHA. Wait, no I feel like Evan........ah...maybe that was uncalled for, but i know that's the emotions he goes through. ANYWHO~~~ back to me........I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't know what I want. Right now, I want to break up with him, for the little annoyance i was put through earlier. But that's stupid. It was nothing. I mean it was something...just one of those little things that shows he's not thinking about me or my feelings, just something little. I'd say it, but I know how many times I'd look back and say I'm a fucking idiot. I dunno. I love the lil brat and I can't help it, but I'm so frustrated and just think it would be better if I never met him to begin with. I mean...I really think that way. Then I could live my merry old life, not think about him all day long, you know? Grrr.....what the hell am I going to do with myself. I make myself sick. I am just fucked up, what can I say?~~~~~Mike~~~~~ Forget the Past ~*~ Hope for the Future Link me! <a href="http://sailorschica.diaryland.com"><IMG SRC= "http://sailorschica.diaryland.com/images/sailorschica.gif"></a> xx xx