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Mi Amor, Andres. Saturday, Sept. 19, 2009 03:56 Wow, so it's been two years since I've wrote in this. I haven't had the internet in my home for years. Now I have a laptop and internet, and I just remembered about my diary. Ha, but I don't remember anything about html. Lol...... I'm engaged, happy, I thought, but I am not sure I know what happiness is. I was reading in my past entries, and other journals I have on diaryland, and I seemed so happy and so depressed too. It's almost like I want to have my own apartment again and be single again. But I'm trying to think about it logically like my sister would, she would tell me to think about the happines Andres brings me, and how I would feel if I were without me. And I feel like sometimes I wish he would move out and give me space, but then I know that I would be calling him the same day to come back. I already call him normally within an hour of him leaving for work to talk to him, to hear his voice. I love his voice. Its so sweet, so precious. He speak so gently, hardly ever raises his voice. He won't hit me, not that I try and make him, but I've done some fucked up shit that turned around, I would be hitting someone. He's been with me through some fucked up shit, and tolerates a lot. And I wonder is our relationship healthy? If it were the other way around and he did the things that I have done, I would say I was in a fucked up relationship. But would I leave him? Knowing my record no. But I wonder about him, does he love me that much? Does he want to fix me? Is he insecure? He's young(er). 22. I know how I was then. Very inexperienced in love and sex and relationships.... him, lol, not me. But I know how I was at 22. Thought I was going to marry every guy I was in a relationship with. And be with them forever. We've been together for a year, living together mainly the whole time, only offically for 8months. ( I was with his cousin, and cheated on his cuz with him) He had my heart for a long time. He was the opposite of the craziness his cousin was. He held me when cried, spoke gently, and was the first man since Evan I could sleep with. He's quiet, shy, calm, soft spoken. The opposite of me, the opposite of what I like. lol. But maybe he's just not in his environment. He could be a lot more outgoing in the right situation, who knows? He is an illegal Mexican. :P He doesn't speak English, which makes conversation and understanding more difficult, but I'm about half fluent. But some things get lost in translation. I've told him, I'm a bad person, you don't need me, you don't need to be with me, and he's hurt thinking I want him to go. When I'm only trying to say he'd be better off without me. But his Spanish,Mexican status is one thing that attracts me to him. I'm half Mexican. And want to engulf my heritage. I can cook Mexican food now, I love Mexican music, I love dancing to it. I am MEXICAN. lol. Not Chicana. Hmmm, I'm running out of things to say, but I feel better then when I started this entry. When I started, I was wishing I was single, and now I am starting to appreciate what we have and what he puts up with. So I'll leave with this. >Te amo mucho, mi mundo. Eres mi todo y te quiero en mi vida. Por siempre. Gracias por todo. ORALE! jeje. Forget the Past ~*~ Hope for the Future Link me! <a href="http://sailorschica.diaryland.com"><IMG SRC= "http://sailorschica.diaryland.com/images/sailorschica.gif"></a> xx xx