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~**Ugh**~ Monday, Jun. 09, 2003 01:10 I'm so annoyed right now that I don't even really want to write- reguardless I am. I'll just have you know that I started another journal on here because I feel like I can't totally express myself because too many people read this- including close friends, family, and enemies. So I started another journal to get the venting out a lil more annoymously. You guys don't need to know how I really think- about you- about life- about anything. It's nothing bad- it's just some things that you are better off not knowing- hell I'm better off- more comfortable with you not knowing. You don't need to know my deepest secrets and thoughts- you might be scared. I don't know. Someone told me today that my depression was because of Evan. When it's not. If anything Evan always always helped me through it when I needed him to. It's true that I miss him and that I'm sad(ANGRY) about it all. But I'm not depressed about it. There might be the chance of being getting depressed about it if I allowed myself to even think about him. I don't and when I do I think positive things like if we are meant to be then it's meant to be. I can't control it. Previous entried may disagree with that a lil bit. But I mean think about it. I do hate him in some aspect for the things that he did. But he's not horrible. He's a great person. a great friend and he was a great boyfriend. It's just that under neath it all if I think about it- think that I may never see him again or that I may never be back with him- it's depressing so I don't think about it. And I also think that I don't even want him back. He's not doing anything with his life. IF anything- he lost about five years of maturity going INTO the navy. Anywyas...my whole point here....which previous entries will confirm. My depression started with a friend that talked about trying to kill himself and then he was all better then he was trying to blame me if he did die.....and it also started with another friend- I will not go into the details of that event. Because we both think that we were in the right and we are trying to heal our friendship and me saying anything about it would just get twisted up- either by that friend or by other people. If you are a regular reader or know me- then you know what I'm talking about. But as I said a few entries ago- when someone fucks you over or hurts you or does stupid shit-- it may be ok the first time or two- but if it keeps happening then what's the point??? Anyways....yes it's confirmed that I am depressed. and NO I don't want to talk about it- so all you people that want to PM me or whatever...you can say you know what I'm going through that's cool. But if you try and get me to talk or ask what's wrong it's just going to piss me off- I know you are trying to help ( i think) but seriously. It's just going to annoy the fuck out of me and probably piss me off and make me no longer want to talk to you. To be honest. Right now I don't want anyone. I don't need anyone. Everyone in my life right now is NOT benefitting me. They are bringing on more stress then they are helping. And I'm sorry. I just can't care about anyone right now. I won't talk about my depression to you and please don't come to me talking about yours. I have to deal with my own shit for once. To Stop trying to take care of everyone else. If anything this is a god-sent= this depression because it's making me set my priorities right. At least til I can get back on my feet and get everything ok. So I'm sorry guys. I dont' want to hang out I don't want to date I don't want to talk on the phone- Hell I don't really even want to chat online. I would love to hear you comments in my journal or know that you are there. But I'm sorry I just can't do it right now- I shouldn't even say I'm sorry- I shouldn't have to apologize for my feelings but I am. And if you people out there can't understand me or respect my wishes....then well you don't need to be my friend anyways- you don't need to call me ever. So if you get pissed off at this--- which I think some of you may- *remember* it's not made for you-- this journal is for ME-- then if you get pissed just don't ever talk to me again because you aren't someone I need in my life. If you aren't going to be there when I need you or support me or respect me then I don't need you. Then I never needed you. Then you weren't ever worth needing or having as a friend. I love you guys= as i love everyone. Take care. Forget the Past ~*~ Hope for the Future Link me! <a href="http://sailorschica.diaryland.com"><IMG SRC= "http://sailorschica.diaryland.com/images/sailorschica.gif"></a> xx xx